Pirutes of the Curibbean: Untutled
by Plaidly Lush
Summary: My version. Swords flying all over the place, the blatantly sexy Captain Jack Sparrow, the kinda stupid yet rather skilled Will Turner, the humorous traits of...the rest of them. And quite...animated skeletal pirates.
1. Oo, Pirates!

Ok. No introduction this time. Just read it.   
  
Chapter 1- Ooo, Pirates!!   
  
A fog lays thick upon the sea. A good day for pirates. Within moments a rather large ship with pink sails can be seen. A girl stands at the bow, quietly singing a very annoying song.   
  
"Hit me baby one more time…" A hand descends roughly on her shoulder, and she gasps. "Oh, it's just you, Big Smelly Guy."   
  
"The name's Gibbs, Miss Elizabeth. And you shouldn't be singing Britney Spears. It's bad luck to be singing Britney Spears."   
  
"Why?" Elizabeth doesn't really care, but she has found that asking why gets on people's nerves.   
  
"Because pirates don't like her. (A/N and that's why pirates are so cool!!) You don't want to bring them down on us, now do you?"   
  
"Wow, Pirates! Will they really come if I sing Britney Spears. I sure would love to meet a Pirate." (A/N every time Elizabeth says pirate, it's capitalized. Anyone who's seen the movie should know why.)   
  
"Think again, Miss Swann." That git, what was his name, it began with an N, and her father walk over. "Pirates are nothing but cruel, murderous, thieving, pillaging, ravaging, high-jacking, plundering, evil, looting…"   
  
Elizabeth stops listening at this point, and turning to the water once again, sees an umbrella. Suddenly unexplainably happy, she watches it twirl by. It's only then that she notices a boy floating in the water on top of a large plastic bin. She turns back to the sailors.   
  
"Look! There's a boy in the water! And he's floating on stuff that hasn't been invented yet!"   
  
"Man overboard on stuff that doesn't yet exist!" A few of the sailors call. The kid is lifted onto the boat.   
  
"He's not breathing. Throw him back over." Norrington signals to the men.   
  
"Wait!" Elizabeth cries out. "Have you taken his corset off?" Immediately, one of the sailors takes out a hunting knife and slashes at the corset, accidentally nicking the boy's chin.   
  
"Oops."   
  
Once the corset is removed, the boy opens his eyes and coughs out incredible amounts of water. The sailors back up, but Elizabeth moves forward. "Are you all right? I'm Elizabeth. Elizabeth Swann."   
  
"I'm Will Turner," he answers, staring at her like he's never seen a girl before. Then he faints. His hand loosens its clasp on something and she picks it up and stuffs it in her dress. Will Turner is taken below.   
  
"How did you know to do that about the corset?"   
  
"Oh, the same thing'll happen to me in eight years."   
  
Her father looks confused, Norrington looks like he always does, and Gibbs mutters, "Bad luck to learn from experiences that haven't happened yet, it is."   
  
Another sailor asks, "You didn't take anything from him, did you?"   
  
"No!" Elizabeth exclaims.   
  
"Oh, ok. Hey wait, yes you did! I saw you!"   
  
"Did not!"   
  
"Did too!"   
  
  
  
"Did not!"   
  
The rest of the characters wander away, not caring who ends up winning.   
  
Hours later…  
  
"Did not!"   
  
"Did too!"   
  
"Did not!"   
  
"Did too!"  
  
"DID NOT!!!!"   
  
"Well, geez, you don't have to scream at me." The sailor puts a finger in his ear.   
  
"Sorry, I just got caught up in the moment."   
  
"Well, fine. I have to get back to work."   
  
"Fine. Then I win."   
  
"Fine."   
  
"Fine."   
  
"Fine."   
  
"Fine!" The last one, Elizabeth yells to the sailor as he's walking away. "Now he's too far away to respond. I win again."   
  
From the other side of the boat floats over a taunt. "Fiiiiine."   
  
Elizabeth sticks her tongue out in the direction of the fine. When she turns to the ocean, suddenly she sees another ship glide into view. It's very dark and ghost-like, with black sails, and looks like it's either very well polished or covered in glitter. "Ooo, shiny."   
  
Suddenly the sun shines off the ship blindingly, and Elizabeth shuts her eyes against the glare. When she opens them, she is eight years older, in her bed, and realizes that she was dreaming.   
  
Elizabeth reaches for the candle beside her bed, but knocks it over by accident. It goes out, and she reaches for the one next to it. This one she manages not to knock over. She goes to her desk and searches under all the papers until she finds what she's looking for. A necklace with a strange cartoonish skeleton on it. This was what she took from Will long ago, somehow coming to the conclusion from it (when she first took it, anyway) that he was a pirate. She quickly discovered otherwise. But that doesn't matter now, because he's a blacksmith.   
  
A knock comes at the door. Her father calls. "Elizabeth?"   
  
She looks around quickly. Most of the contents of her desk are strewn all over the floor. "Shit. I'm not going to be able to clean this up. Oh well, at least I can hide the necklace." She puts on a robe and stuffs the necklace down her dress.   
  
During all this, the knocking has not ceased, and her father periodically calls, "Elizabeth, can we come in?"   
  
She waits a few more minutes tapping her foot and glancing frequently at the clock next to her bed. Finally she replies. "Come in!"   
  
Her father enters, wearing one of those ridiculous curly wigs and followed by two servants, one of whom carries a large box.   
  
"Good morning, my daughter…What have you been doing in here?"   
  
"Umm…Sleepreorganizing?"   
  
The servant without the large box goes to the windows and draws back the curtains. It is a very bright day, and Elizabeth momentarily loses her sight. When it returns, she is horrified by what is in front of her.   
  
"AAHHHHHHHHH oh it's just you, father."   
  
"Yes. How nice. I brought you something." He lifts the lid off the box, revealing a very bright purple dress with a very upsetting pattern. It is covered all over with beads and metal scraps. Elizabeth lifts it out of the box and almost falls over. The dress is at least half her weight.   
  
"Wow, father, it's so- well…um…"   
  
"Isn't it? I knew you'd like it. I thought you'd wear it to Norrignton's promotion ceremony."   
  
"This, to the ceremony? You mean I have to wear it in public?"   
  
Governor Swann gave a light-hearted laugh as Elizabeth disappeared behind a partition with the two servants. They began to dress her, relacing her corset at least five times, tighter each time.   
  
"Norrington is quite taken with you, you know," Governor Swann said.   
  
"I know. He keeps trying to get me over to his house to show me a demonstration with his sword. But I really think he just wants to get me in bed." She gasped as the laces are drawn tighter and a loud crack is heard.   
  
"Elizabeth? Are you all right?"   
  
"I think I just broke a rib."   
  
An attendant entered, backed up a few steps, knocked on the door, and approached Governor Swann. "Sir, that blacksmith is here to see you."   
  
Downstairs, Will Turner is all grown up and looking extremely hot. He's carrying a box which looks small from the front, but he suddenly turns to the side and we all see just how long his box is. He reaches up to touch a lamp, and one of the candles breaks off. As he's placing it in a nearby umbrella stand, he loses his grip on the box and it falls, knocking the umbrella stand over. The piece of lamp tumbles out. Swearing, Will falls to his knees and starts picking it up.  
  
"Ah, Mr. Turner," Governor Swann's voice floats down.   
  
Will straightens quickly. "That was like that when I got here."   
  
"Very nice. Do you have the sword I requested?"   
  
"Yep. Here it is." Will opens the long, thin box and pulls out a very impressive sword. "Yep, that one should last for a long time. And, here, look at this." He balances the blade carefully on one finger. "Perfectly balanced." It wobbles and falls. Will catches it by the hilt before it hits the floor. "Well, it was perfectly balanced last night."   
  
"Wonderful. Norrington should be satisfied."   
  
At that moment, Elizabeth comes walking unsteadily down the stairs in the dress covered with beads and pieces of metal. Will, looking at the low neckline of the dress, does not seem to notice just how hideous it is. "You look beautiful."   
  
She smiles at him. "I had a dream about you last night, about the day we met. Do you remember?"   
  
Will makes an oh-yeah-I-remember-that face, which he loses a second later. "No."   
  
"I also had another one the night before. We were making out on a beach."   
  
"Elizabeth, are you sure that's entirely proper?" Governor Swann asks nervously.  
  
"Father, they're just dreams. It's not like I had a dream that he was spanking me naked over an anvil in his shop." Remembering that dream, she drifts off with a wistful look.   
  
"Elizabeth!" Governor Swann sighed and started out the door. "Come along."   
  
Elizabeth lingers to talk to Will. "How are you, Will?"   
  
"Fine. You know, I have a sword that could be yours. It's in very good condition, I've practiced with it. I polish it often, usually more than once a day. I could teach you how to use it to my- I mean, for your pleasure."   
  
"Thank you, Will. You will have to show me this sword sometime. But right now I have to go. Good day."   
  
He waits until she leaves. "I like when she says 'good day' to me. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside…"   
  
The attendant clears his throat. "Mr. Blacksmith, if you wouldn't mind feeling all warm and fuzzy *out*side?"   
  
"Of course. See you around, attendant." Will can just see the carriage down the road. He sighs. "It would be a better day if you knew what sword I meant." He starts down the road into town.   
  
End Chapter 1  
  
Next Chapter! That's right, you guessed it!! *Jack Sparrow* (feels warm and fuzzy inside). And he will rock us all. Oh yes. 


	2. Captain Jack Sparrow

Here he comes. *Pant, pant, pant*   
  
Chapter 2- Captain Jack Sparrow  
  
The clever, insane, incredibly sexy Captain Jack Sparrow is seen perched on top of his boat. He hears an upbeat fiddle tune and immediately starts Riverdancing. This is a mistake, as it causes him to fall back into the boat, which has for the past hour been taking on water. He attempts to bail a bit by taking a big mouthful and spitting it over the side like a fountain. After a few rounds of this, he notices that he is not getting anywhere and climbs back up.  
  
Everyone at the dock stops what they are doing to watch Jack Sparrow glide gracefully into port. (A/N: Sigh.) He steps off the boat and walks nonchalantly past the harbormaster. Abruptly he realizes that each step takes him no farther, and pauses. He turns to find the harbormaster has been holding on to his belt.   
  
"It's half a crown to tie your boat up at the dock. And you'll have to tell me your name, business, trade, place and date of birth, mother's maiden name, PIN number, and email address."   
  
Jack looks to his boat- or where his boat had been, where there are now only a few bubbles rising from beneath the surface of the water. "What do you say to three shillings, only we forget the name and all that other stuff."   
  
The harbormaster considers, then nods. "Welcome to Port Royal, Mister Sparrow."   
  
"Tha- wait a minute! Mister Sparrow?"   
  
"It was the first name that came to mind."   
  
"Why don't we go with Smith?" Jack suggests. The harbormaster shrugs and continues down the dock. Jack reaches into the man's pocket and pulls out a bag with a large dollar sign on it. Assuming that it's money, he pockets it and leaves as quickly as possible.   
  
Over at the fort, Norrington's promotion is taking place. Elizabeth is clearly in pain, groping at the person next to her in a desperate and futile attempt to stand upright. Eventually, someone gets her a chair. Aside from her struggle to remain conscious, she is clearly bored out of her mind watching a bunch of guys in red coats making the same completely unnecessary movements at the same time. To keep herself from the brink of death by boredom and corset, she drifts off into her dreams of Will. *I wonder what they could mean.* (A/N: The sad part is, she really is wondering.)  
  
Jack Sparrow makes straight for the Interceptor. He wants it, and that means he's going to get it, if he has to put on a really hot temper tantrum. He is stopped by two guards who immediately tell him that they are guarding the dock from civilians.  
  
"Why, are the civilians dangerous?"   
  
"Um, no, but this ship is the fastest in the Caribbean, and if anyone takes it we wouldn't be able to catch up."  
  
"I know a ship that could. Supposed to be very fast, nigh uncatchable. The Black Pearl."   
  
"The Black Pearl? You mean that ship that's supposed to be crewed by cartoon skeletons and captained by a man with the wrong pet and an apple fetish, and is so shiny you can't look directly at it in the day? That's not a real ship."   
  
"Yes it is," the other guard says. "I've seen it. I saw it eight years ago on the passage from England…oh, wait, that wasn't me."   
  
"Like I said," the first guard says smugly. "There's no *real* ship as can match the Intercep-" he cuts off midword when he realizes that Jack is no longer there. The guards catch him at the rudder of the Interceptor.  
  
"Get away from there!"   
  
"I'm sorry," Jack says. "I've just never seen a boat quite like this one. Ship," he corrects himself.   
  
"What's your name?"   
  
"Do I have to tell you?"   
  
"Who are you and what are you doing here. And no lies."   
  
"All right then. I'm a pirate, my name is Captain Jack Sparrow and I've come to commandeer a ship so I can go get a crew to do things that pirates do."   
  
The guard who has most recently spoken looks hurt. "Hey, I said no lies."  
  
"How do you know he's lying?"   
  
"He wouldn't be stupid enough to tell us something like that if it was the truth."   
  
Jack offers, "Unless of course he knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if he told it to you." (A/N: Straight from the movie; I love this line.) The guards look confused.   
  
A few minutes later, Norrington has approached Elizabeth and helped her to the edge of the wall, where it is quite likely that she will fall over the edge and drown.   
  
"Elizabeth," he began. "You look…um…well, I know your father is the one who picked out the dress. Anyway, let me be blunt. I think you're really hot and I want to marry you so I can fuck you senseless every day."   
  
Fortunately, Elizabeth did not hear beyond "um", as she was in so much pain that she passed out and fell over the side of the fort. Norrington is still talking, having turned away before she fell. He notices that she has fallen and starts to take off his jacket. However, his sleeve gets caught and he spends the next fifteen minutes or so trying to pull it off.   
  
Jack, telling a wild fabrication to the two guards, is distracted by the splash Elizabeth makes as she and her dress fall into the water. "Will you be saving her, then?"   
  
"Well, we would, but we have to make sure the deck stays off limits to civilians."   
  
Jack takes off his hat, jacket, sword and gun and hands them to the guards. Then he does a spectacular dive and swims to Elizabeth's aid. He wraps an arms around her and pulls, but the dress is so heavy he can barely lift her an inch. He saws at it for a while, until he can rip it off. Then he puts an arm around her and paddles back to the dock.   
  
"She's not breathing. Throw her back," one of the guards says. (A/N: It doesn't matter which one.)  
  
"Wait," Jack says, pushing them aside. He takes out his knife and cuts the laces on her corset, then rips the whole thing off. She opens her eyes immediately, coughing up water, fish, and an old tire. Jack sees her necklace and holds it up to his face. "Where did you get that?" he asks.   
  
An entire regiment of the Royal Navy crowds onto the dock, Governor Swann, Norrington, and Gillete in the lead. Elizabeth's father offers her his brown and purple paisley coat, but she takes one look at it and refuses.   
  
"Did you just save Elizabeth's life?" Norrington asks suspiciously.   
  
"No, I most certainly- I mean, yes, I rescued her, do you have a problem with that?"   
  
"Of course not. I want to offer you my thanks. What is your name, sir?"   
  
"Well, that's not important. If you really want to thank me, a ship would be nice…"   
  
One of the guards volunteers the information for him. "He says his name is Captain Jack Sparrow. These are his." He holds up Jack's effects and his hat.   
  
Norrington looks at these. "A pirate, hm? Let's see, a pistol with only one shot, a compass that only points to 'yo mama', a hole in your hat- I'm just kidding, the hat's fine. Well, you must be the worst pirate I have ever seen."   
  
Jack smiles. "But you have seen me."   
  
Norrington, for some reason or other, drags Jack to the other end of the dock, where Gillete is waiting with irons. Elizabeth follows.   
  
"Commodore, I must protest. Pirate or not- but especially Pirate- this man is incredibly sexy…I mean, he saved my life." Behind her, Jack is being captured. Yup.   
  
"One good deed is not enough to redeem a man from a lifetime of wickedness."   
  
"Though it seems enough to condemn him and throw him in jail with the intention of hanging him the next day." Jack's comment is not taken kindly by Norrington.   
  
"It does seem that way, doesn't it?"   
  
But Jack is now closest to Elizabeth, of all people on the dock. He throws his chain around her neck. Elizabeth lets out an orgasmic sound of pleasure that *almost* everyone on the dock takes to be a gasp of fright.   
  
"Commodore Norrington, my effects please. And my hat. Elizabeth, it is Elizabeth, isn't it?"   
  
"You can call me 'sugarplum'," she says hopefully.   
  
"Well, then, Sugarplum, if you would be so kind." She is so kind, and takes Jack's effects. He turns her to face him. She is having trouble breathing once more, though now for an entirely different reason. "Now if you will be very kind."   
  
She is more than kind. She places his hat perfectly on his head, puts his compass in an inside pocket, and takes her time buckling on his sword and gun. Then she reaches her hand down his pants to…ahem…adjust…his pants. "Easy on the goods, darling."   
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, was that too rough?"   
  
"No, it was quite nice, actually." Having a gun held to her head was almost as exciting as being near a Pirate.   
  
"Now, you will always remember this as the day you almost caught Jack Sparrow." He pushes her into the others, and they all fall over at once. Elizabeth turns as quickly as she can to watch his dashing escape as he swings on ropes and stuff. She sighs dreamily. *My first Pirate.*  
  
End Chapter 2  
  
Will and Jack meet  
  
Fight, do…stuff…  
  
In chapter 3  
  
Please REVIEW! Thanks. :P 


	3. Before the Pearl

Thanks, reviewers, I really appreciate your appreciation. :P   
  
Chapter 3- Before the Pearl  
  
Jack is halted suddenly. "You there, in the chains! Are you Jack Sparrow?" There is only one guard. Jack knows what to do.   
  
"No. My name's Smith."   
  
"All right then, Mister Smith, carry on."   
  
Jack slips into the blacksmith's shop just before five more guards round the corner. Inside, he sniffs, making a disgusted face, but continues inside. He is startled by an especially loud snore from Jonathan Brown, the blacksmith, who is passed out in a corner. To see if he'll was up, Jack starts a rousing chorus of some Irish drinking song. After about half an hour, and a neighbor banging on the door and yelling for him to shut up, Brown is still asleep, and Jack begins searching for a way to free his hands.   
  
Looking around the shop, he decides to poke a donkey in the but with something hot. It's more for fun, than for any real purpose, but it does help him anyway. The donkey starts walking, and a huge round thing with a bunch of swords on it starts turning. Jack hooks the chains to the huge round thing, and they break.   
  
Jack's moment of triumph lasts only until he sees the door starting to open. He hides- behind what is never revealed- just as Will comes in. He sees the huge round thing moving and goes to comfort the donkey. Then he looks at Brown in the corner. "Right where I left you two weeks ago." He unbuttons his shirt, (A/N: much to my delight), though not far enough.   
  
He notices Jack's hat, hanging on the anvil, and moves toward it curiously. Jack, overcome with a fit of don't-touch-my-hat, comes out and hits Will's hand with his sword. "Don't touch my hat."   
  
"You're the one they're looking for," Will says, backing up a few steps. "The pirate. Jack Sparrow."   
  
"*Captain* Jack Sparrow." Jack looks more closely at Will. "You seem familiar. Have I ever had an affair with you?"   
  
"I make a point to avoid familiarity with pirates. One night stands are my limit."   
  
"Well then, you wouldn't want to end up sailing around with me from here to Tortuga to Isla de Muerta or anything like that. I'll just be on my way."   
  
Before Jack can get his hat, Will has drawn a sword out of the fire. The end of the blade is bright orange. The huge round thing starts moving again. (A/N: I apologize for the references to the huge round thing, but I really don't know what it's called.)   
  
"What's wrong with the donkey?" Will wonders aloud.   
  
"I poked him in the but a few minutes ago," Jack replies.   
  
"Oh." They begin to fight, ranging all over the shop. Sparks fly everywhere, spraying on them, Mr. Brown, and the donkey, who moves even faster.   
  
"You know," Jack says as they fight. "You spend an awful lot of time making unnecessary swords and practicing with them. There's really only one sword a man should have to use. And you know which one I'm talking about. Maybe if you had a girl, you wouldn't waste so much time with these other swords."   
  
"What about killing pirates?"   
  
"You don't have to kill all of them. Maybe you could try talking to them, learning something for a change?"   
  
Will lowers his sword a little. "I think you're right. Well, then maybe-"   
  
Jack laughs, "Ha HA!" as he takes some fairy dust from his pocket and throws it into Will's face. Will drops his sword and starts to twirl like a ballerina, but shakes it off after a few seconds and grabs the weapon. By that time, Jack has pulled his gun on Will.   
  
"Hey! You weren't serious, you were just trying to distract me so you could CHEAT!!"   
  
"Well, pirates do that sometimes. You're blocking the exit. Move."   
  
"No. You're a pirate. I have to help the Royal Navy catch you. They can't do it by themselves, the poor losers."   
  
"Come on. I was going to use this to kill my first mate. Now I'll have to get another gun. Unless you move."   
  
"No!"   
  
Jack suddenly falls over. Brown has hit him from behind with a Tiffany lamp. "Mr. Brown!" Will exclaims.   
  
"What, did I scare you?"   
  
"No, you've just been passed out for so long, I thought you were dead."   
  
The Royal Navy, Norrington and Gillete in the lead once again, burst into the shop. "Well done, Mr. Brown. You've assisted in the capture of a pirate. Good job."   
  
"What about me?" Will pouts.  
  
"Excuse me?" Norrington says.   
  
"I'm the one who fought him and kept him here long enough for you to come get him."   
  
"True, but you never get credit for anything you do. That's not going to change now. Gentlemen, we'll remember this as the day Jack Sparrow almost escaped. Bring him."   
  
As Jack is dragged from the shop (with his hat), Will hears him mutter, "*Captain* Jack Sparrow."   
  
************************************************************************  
  
Elizabeth is sitting in bed, pretending to read. She is really thinking about Jack Sparrow and Will. Her servant puts a warming pan in the sheets, but misaims and burns Elizabeth's feet. "Ow!"   
  
"Oh, sorry, Miss Swann," the servant says, moving it down a little. "Well, I expect this was a big day for you."   
  
"Yes, Jack Sparrow is quite the pirate," Elizabeth says dreamily.   
  
"Well, I meant the commodore proposing," the servant says.   
  
"The commodore proposed?" Remember, Elizabeth passed out before Norrington got to the part about marrying her.   
  
"Yes. But, being threatened by a pirate! Fancy that. It must have been terrifying."  
  
"Um, yes. Terrifying." *If by terrifying you mean incredibly sizzlingly hot and sexy,* she adds silently.   
  
"Well, that Will Turner, he's terrifying too," the servant says with a wink.   
  
"I beg your pardon?"   
  
"Don't think I haven't noticed your pirate thing. I know that when *you* say terrifying, you mean incredibly hot and sexy."   
  
"Incredibly *sizzlingly* hot and sexy," Elizabeth corrects. She covers a hand with her mouth. "Oh, but don't tell father."   
  
"Yes, what he doesn't know can't hurt him, right?" the servants says winking again.   
  
********************************************************************  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow really cannot see why the other prisoners are trying to get the dog to come a little closer. He's sitting just out of reach and not looking like he has any intention of moving. *At least I got my own cell,* he thinks gloomily.  
  
"Well excuse us if we haven't resigned ourselves to the gallows just yet," one of the other prisoners says, looking over his shoulder at Jack.  
  
"What was that?" Jack mumbles, confused.   
  
"Oh, sorry, getting ahead of myself," the guy says, waving a hand.   
  
"Besides," Jack reasons, "even if you *do* get the dog to come close enough, when you get out of the cell there's the flamethrowers, falling rocks, giant swinging axes, that guy with really bad B.O., and the two-headed dragon."   
  
"Well, excuse us if we haven't resigned ourselves to the gallows just yet," the prisoner repeats.   
  
Jack turns away from them, shaking his head. *Hopeless, those guys.*   
  
In the blacksmith's shop, Will pauses in his work to stick his head out the window. A black cat runs by. A black dog runs by. A black elephant runs by. A black outhouse on stilts runs by. Will falls out of the window. "Hmm…"   
  
End Chapter.   
  
Next…the arrival of the Black Pearl!!! (oo, shiny…) 


	4. Attack of the Black Pearl

Umm…yeah.   
  
Chapter 4- Attack of the Black Pearl  
  
The Black Pearl fairly glitters in the starlight, but there is no moon out. This is so as not to spoil the secret that the Black Pearl's crew are actually cartoon skeletons. Oops! While some of the pirates terrorize the port, a small group heads to Governor Swann's house.   
  
Hearing the sounds of fighting below, Jack stands to peer out the window. He sees the Black Pearl in the harbor. "Oo, shiny…I mean, it's the Pearl."   
  
"The Black Pearl?" One of the other prisoners said. "I've heard stories about that. The captain has an apple fetish, but he can't eat them. Or maybe it's *because* he can't eat them."   
  
"Can't eat them, eh? Then what does he do with them, I wonder?" Jack said with a wicked smile. Then he thought to himself, *Actually, I don't want to know what he does with his apples.*   
  
Will Turner…ahem…*accidentally* lets his sword fall out of his pants while fighting. While the pirate is distracted, he hits him in the throat with an iron rod. "Ha HA!"   
  
*If only I had Jack Sparrow's fairy dust…* And then he runs off to "kill" some more pirates.   
  
Elizabeth is leaning out of the window, night dreaming about pirates, when she thinks she sees some running to the house. She blinks and rubs her eyes. "Wait, there *are* pirates running toward the house!" Strangely, she iss not aroused but frightened. She figures this can't be good. She runs downstairs.   
  
A knock comes at the door. "Don't open it!" Elizabeth shouts. The servant steps away.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"It's pirates!"   
  
"Oh."   
  
"Hey, let us in!"   
  
"No!"   
  
"Aw, please?"   
  
"NO!"   
  
She hears muffled talking, and then what sounds like footsteps walking away. Then someone approachs the door and knocks.   
  
"Who is it?"   
  
"It's Governor Swann, open up!"   
  
Elizabeth runs to the door. She pauses with her hand resting on the doorknob. "Are you *really* my father?"   
  
"Yes! Just open the door."   
  
"I don't think I want to."   
  
"Why not?"   
  
"You scare me, father."   
  
A sigh is heard. "All right. I'll tell the truth. It's the love of your life."   
  
Whether that is a pirate, or Will Turner, she doesn't care. The sex will be good if it's the love of her life. She opens the door eagerly. She barely manages to get out, "Liars!" before they all pull their guns on her.   
  
"Poorly!" she shouts. "Wait that's not it…I mean parley!"   
  
"What?" Pintel growls.   
  
"I said parley. Take me to your leader."   
  
"Damn," the pirates mutter as they drop their guns. Elizabeth takes this opportunity to run- stupidly, *up* the stairs. Pintel curses as he and Ragetti chase her.   
  
Looking around, Elizabeth hides in a linen closet, making sure the rug isn't messed up to give her away. The pirates, who don't see where she went, stop and start talking to her. "We know you're hear, little miss muppet. I mean, poppet. You've got something of ours, and it calls to us. Yes, we'll find you. The skeleton calls to us…"   
  
Elizabeth looks down at the skeleton hanging from her neck, just as it calls out, "Psst! Hey idiots, over here! In the linen closet!"   
  
Elizabeth stares in shock. "You traitor!" she screams to the necklace.   
  
Ragetti opens the doors and she calls out, "Parley!"   
  
"Oh, no, we're not falling for that one again."   
  
"But I really mean it this time!"   
  
They consider, then nod in consent. Pintel takes one of her arms and she goes along with them, wondering why she is not in the least bit…um…happy about these pirates. *Maybe they're cursed or something.*   
  
Will stops for a moment when he sees her being pulled along with the pirates. "Sexy woman," he mutters. Then he turns to face a pirate he has already killed, and suddenly someone hits him on the head. He blacks out.   
  
Meanwhile, in prison…  
  
They jump away from the wall as the cannon fire hits. To the misfortune of Jack, a large hole is blown in the cell next to his. "My sympathies, friend," one of the prisoners calls back. "You've no manner of luck at all."   
  
The next moment there's another shot, and a few intestines splatter back into the cell. "Yours isn't so great, either," Jack says smugly. *What am I being smug about? I'm still stuck in here. I should just concentrate on being sexy. At least that has some purpose to it.* So he does.   
  
Elizabeth is brought on board the Black Pearl. She recognizes it because her first thought when she sees it is *oo, shiny!*. She decides suddenly that maybe the reason she is reacting differently to these pirates is that they are all unbelievably ugly.   
  
Captain Barbossa himself is pretty ugly, Elizabeth thinks. "What is your name?"   
  
"Elizabeth…Turner. Why you would get the idea that my name was anything other than Turner, I don't know. My name has always been and always will be Turner." (A/N what a stupid thing to say.) At the same time she thinks, *Wow. Elizabeth Turner. That has a nice ring to it.* She can't decide whether she likes Elizabeth Turner or Elizabeth Sparrow better.   
  
Some of the pirates laugh inexplicably. Barbossa asks her what she wants.   
  
"I want you to leave and never come back," she says.   
  
"Um, let me think. NO!"   
  
"Why not?"   
  
"Because. I'm Captain Barbossa. And besides, we're having so much fun."   
  
"Very well," she says, pulling off her necklace. She walks to the rail.   
  
"What are you doing?"   
  
"I'll drop it."   
  
"So?"   
  
"So, this is what you're here for, right? I saw this ship eight years ago on the passage from England."   
  
"Oh, did you? Well, even if you do drop it, we can always dive in and get it. No big deal."   
  
Elizabeth thinks for a moment. "Fine." She puts it on her tongue. "I'h haoh ih."   
  
Barbossa makes a disgusted face. "What's that you said?"   
  
She takes the necklace out of her mouth. "Leave, or I'll swallow it."   
  
Barbossa looks even more disgusted. If she swallows it, *he* certainly is not getting it out. "Well…"   
  
Her eyebrows raise as the skeleton slides down her throat.   
  
"Fine!" Barbossa shouts desperately. "God, that's disgusting."   
  
Elizabeth tugs on the chain, still in her hand, and the skeleton comes out clean. She wipes the saliva off on her dress and hands it to Barbossa, who quickly passes it to his monkey.   
  
"Well?"   
  
Barbossa nods to Bo'sun, who starts to give orders.   
  
"Hey, wait! You have to return me to shore! According to the code set-"   
  
"Firstly," Barbossa interrupts, "Your return to shore was not a part of our negotiation nor our agreement so I must do nothing. Second, you must be a pirate for the pirate's code to apply, and you're not. Thirdly, even we take prisoners when it suits our purpose. Fourthly, there wouldn't be much of a plot if we *didn't* take you with us. And fifthly, the code is more what you call guidelines, than actual rules."   
  
"But I-"   
  
"Welcome to the Black Pearl, Miss Turner. You'll be here for a while. Show her her room."   
  
Two pirates take her arms, and another two grab hold of her legs and carry her below the deck.   
  
End Chapter 4  
  
Now you can review. So review. It would be nice. 


	5. Don't Say Anything Stupid

Lyra Silvertongue kindly told me that I don't know a thing about parley. It's actually parlez. So that's what it is. Thanks, Sarah.   
  
Chapter 5- Don't Say Anything Stupid  
  
The strutting chickens of the town walk all over Will, on his face, over his nuts, while he lays unconscious on the ground. One even squawks and lays a couple of eggs on him. When he wakes up, he searches the harbor for the Black Pearl, but it's gone.   
  
"I feel like chickens have been walking on me all night."   
  
Will rushes to where Norrington is trying to think of a way to rescue Elizabeth. "We could take a ship out now and *follow* them, but I don't think that would work. I think our best course is to decide exactly where they went, then spend as long as we can building a new ship to follow them, it's got to be really fast, and then we have to punch a hole in it to fix, otherwise nothing will happen. We have to make sure there's a leak so that we have trouble out at sea. Then, when we finally catch up to them, Elizabeth will be of the right age and I can screw her without marrying her first…I mean…we can save Elizabeth and-"   
  
"Why don't you just ask Jack Sparrow?" Will suggests.   
  
"No, that would be extremely easy, and there's no point not wasting effort to not actually rescue someone, is there?"   
  
"But we have to save Elizabeth!"   
  
"Hey, I'm the one with the naval office here, Turner. You might be able to do many things a whole lot better than I can, but you still can't give orders."   
  
Will stomps off to have a hissy fit.   
  
Meanwhile, Jack Sparrow is contemplating the obstacles outside the cell. The dog is still sitting outside the cell, and Jack could probably reach the keys if he tried. He *is* Captain Jack Sparrow. He could dodge the axes, and he is pretty sure his hat would take care of the flamethrower, and the dragon is not looking so good. "Maybe he's coming down with a cold."   
  
But the falling rocks and the smelly guy are two whole other problems.   
  
The dog runs off when the door above opens. Jack sighs. Will bounds down the stairs. He presses a red button on the wall, a huge lurch is heard, and all the threatening obstacles cease to exist.   
  
"What just happened?"   
  
"Uh, what?"   
  
"What happened to the…" Jack makes odd gestures with his hands for a few minutes. Finally Will understands.   
  
"Oh. Holograms."   
  
"You can have a holographic smell?"   
  
"Hey, I just built it, I didn't design it. Um, anyway, one of those pirates I killed last night didn't die."   
  
"Really? That's interesting."   
  
"And…they took Elizabeth."   
  
"Oh, so you *do* know how to use *that* sword, eh? Well, if you were planning to come in here, get some information out of me, brave chasing the Black Pearl, rescue the damsel in distress and in so doing win 'fair lady's' heart, you'll have to do it alone, mate. I see no profit in it for me."   
  
"You don't think *not being hanged* is a profit?"   
  
Jack considers. "Well…yes. But still, why should I help you?"   
  
"Didn't I just tell you?"   
  
"Be a little more specific."   
  
"Okay. I open the cell. You come out, and we sail away after the Black Pearl, rescue Elizabeth, bring her back to Port Royal."   
  
"You'd bring her *back*?" Jack snorts. "If I had a woman like that, I wouldn't bring her back here. But hey, it's your plan, isn't it, mate?" He pauses. "What's your name, Turner?"   
  
"Wi- hang on. How did you know my name was Turner?"   
  
"Oh- I didn't. It's just a saying, you know, like 'matey' or 'sir'. 'Turner'. So…your name's Turner?"   
  
"Yes. Will Turner."   
  
"Hmm…Your father was probably William Turner, then?"   
  
"Well, yeah. Why?"   
  
"Oh, no reason. Well, alright then. You continue with freeing me, and I'll help you get your 'darling Elizabeth' back."   
  
"I'll have to get the keys first."   
  
"Oh, yeah. They run off."   
  
Will takes out some broccoli and throws in on the ground, calling to the dog, who comes forward slowly. Jack watches curiously as the dog drops the keys and starts eating the broccoli. Will unlocks the cell.   
  
"Ah, my effects. And my hat." Jack stops for a moment to watch the dog. "How come he eats broccoli but not bones?"   
  
"He's a vegetarian."   
  
************************************************************************  
  
"How far are you willing to go for this girl?"   
  
"I'd die for her."   
  
"Oh, good. But would you seduce an entire pirate crew, including one Jack Sparrow, for her? And then maybe…"   
  
Will almost vomits. "I don't know about that. We'll see when we get to it."   
  
Jack sniggers slightly and eyes Will up and down skeptically. "Good to know. Now, before you embarrass yourself too much, I should tell you we're going to *commandeer*- nautical term- *that* ship." He points to the Interceptor. "Wouldn't want you to make more than five hundred mistakes in one day, eh?"   
  
(A/N: I'm skipping the part under the boat because I can't think of anything.)  
  
Will and Jack are seen climbing onto the Dauntless. They go to threaten the men on board. "Nobody move, we're taking over this ship."   
  
"Aye, avast!" Jack gives Will a very condescending look.   
  
The navy men laugh. Gillete speaks. "This ship cannot be crewed by two men. You'll ne-"   
  
"Hold on," Jack says. He takes Will aside. "Mister Turner, that was just terrible. 'Aye, avast'? Who talks like that? Do you think, that you could just try, to do what I say, and do not do or say anything…stupid?"   
  
Will shrugs.   
  
Jack waves a hand at Gillete. "Continue."   
  
"-ver make it out of the bay."   
  
"You forgot one thing. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."   
  
"And I'm Will Turner."   
  
"I thought I told you not to say anything stupid?"   
  
Norrington, after a long while, finally notices something is going on at the Dauntless. He looks through his telescopey thing. "Rash, Turner…too rash."   
  
The officer next to him claps him on the shoulder. "That must be rough. But I've got some cream that'll make those rashes go away, you can have it if you want."   
  
Norrington gives the man a look before shaking his head and ordering the Interceptor forward. "That is the worst pirate I've ever seen."   
  
The navy boards the Dauntless all rushing and running all over the place, and it takes them a while to realize the Interceptor is too far away to reach. They can just make out Will sticking out his tongue in a juvenile manner, and Jack Sparrow pointing to his crotch, yelling, "Suck on this!"   
  
"That's got to be the hottest pirate I've ever seen," the rash-cream officer comments. Norrington gives him another look. "I mean, that's got to be the *best* pirate I've ever seen."   
  
Jack Sparrow shouts back, "You know it, baby!!!"   
  
End of Chapter   
  
Up next…Tortuga…Elizabeth's dinner with the captain…et cetera 


	6. Slapfest

Thanks for the reviews!!!  
  
Chapter 6- Slapfest  
  
Jack is sexily making himself busy on deck, while Will unnecessarily sharpens his sword. Will makes random comments about his childhood, which Jack unintentionally hears.   
  
"And then when my mother died, I came out here, looking for my father," Will states.   
  
"I'm sure it was wonderful," Jack says absently.   
  
"You knew my father, didn't you, Jack? I kind of thought you did in the cell, but now since you seem so interested, I'm sure of it."   
  
"Was that meant to be sarcastic?"   
  
"Huh?"   
  
Jack stands up and faces Will. "Yes, I did know your father. I was probably the only one who knew him as William Turner. He was a good man, a good pirate."   
  
Jack is standing at the rudder. Will whirls to face him. Or rather, face his back. "A pirate? Are you mad?"   
  
"Well, yes, but that's beside the point. Your father *was* a pirate. It's the truth."   
  
"No, he was not. My father was a merchant sailor. He was an honest man."   
  
"Please. Your father couldn't tell the truth if he tried. Well, he could, but he lied just as often. But he always got what he wanted. Almost everyone knew him only as Silver-Tongue Willy. He had a few other nicknames too- Nimble-Finger Willy, Second Wheel Willy, Long Sword Willy…"   
  
"Okay, I get it," Will says. "But my father was no pirate."   
  
"Prove it."   
  
Will draws his sword. Jack rolls his eyes. "It's not worth getting beaten again."   
  
"You didn't beat me. You cheated. You pulled your gun on me when I was distracted."   
  
"Where I come from that's called *beating*."   
  
"In a fair fight, you wouldn't have a chance."   
  
"Oh, yeah?"   
  
"Yeah." Suddenly the boom comes by, hitting Will in the chest. In a few seconds he is dangling from the boom over the deep ocean. Jack looks triumphant.   
  
"Now, listen to me. I'm the Captain here, and if you think you're going to do anything about *that*, you'll be sorry. Your father was a pirate, no two ways about it. If you think you can do something about *that*, well, that's just kind of sad. And third-"   
  
The boom swings back, and Will drops onto the deck and winces.   
  
"I'm a pirate, and as long as you're sailing under me…that makes you a pirate. If you can't deal with that, you can always leave." Jack gestures to the ocean.   
  
Will looks out, knowing that isn't really an option. "Tortuga?"   
  
"How'd you know?"   
  
"Call it female intuition."   
  
"Oh…kay…" Jack turns away, a little frightened but knowing that he's outhotting the entire planet.   
  
************************************************************************  
  
Will and Jack sail into Tortuga on the night of that day. While walking into the harbor town, Jack relates his sentiment to Will. "If every town in the world was like Tortuga, no one would ever feel unwanted."   
  
At that moment a woman with very fake-looking red hair walks up to him. "Scarlet!" She slaps him and walks away. Another woman approaches immediately after. "Giselle!"   
  
"Who was she?"   
  
"What?" *Smack*   
  
"Nicole!"   
  
"Who was *she*?" *Smack*  
  
"Amelia!"   
  
"Who were they?" *Smack*  
  
"Marie!"   
  
"Why didn't you return my calls?" *Smack*  
  
"Velma!"   
  
"You killed my cat!" *Smack*  
  
"Elouise!"   
  
"You gave me crabs!" *Smack*  
  
"Joella!"   
  
"You gave me crabs!" *Smack*  
  
"Um, Jack…" Will says quietly. The women are not done, however.   
  
"Alice!"   
  
"You gave me crabs!" *Smack*  
  
"Monica!"   
  
"You gave me lobsters!" *Smack*   
  
Will says, "Lobsters?"   
  
"Catharine!"  
  
"You stole my lobsters!" *Smack*  
  
"Priscilla!"   
  
"You left your underwear at Alice's house!" *Smack* (A/N: They're framed on the wall. Field trip!!)   
  
"Ruby!"   
  
"You stole my apples!" *Smack*  
  
"No I didn't."   
  
"Oh. It must have been Barbossa. Sorry about that."   
  
"Don't worry."   
  
"Jack, shouldn't we…"   
  
"Quite right, Will. Well then, on we go. Sorry, slapping session is over…Oh, Serena. *Sigh* go ahead." Jack sticks his cheek out for the slap.   
  
*SMACK!!!!!!!*   
  
"Oo, that one must have hurt. What did you do?"   
  
"Ugh, don't ask."   
  
Will and Jack finally reach Gibbs, sleeping with a couple of rather disgruntled pigs. Jack throws a bucket of water on him. "What the fuck? Oh, it's you Jack. I should have known." The pigs, now thoroughly wet, look a bit more disgruntled at having been disturbed, and one of them starts to chew on Gibbs's leg. "You shouldn't wake a sleeping guy."   
  
"Get up, I'm buying you a drink."   
  
"Alright, then, Jack."   
  
Will throws a second bucket of water on him. "That was for the smell," he says. Gibbs relents, but when Jack throws more water on him, he yells again, "What the fuck?"   
  
"That was for…well, that was because I like to throw water on people." Gibbs shrugs and follows Jack to the nearest pub.   
  
As Jack returns to the table with his drink, every person in the bar is engaged in a brawl. He sits down and begins to speak when he notices Will staring at him. "Turner, go get molested."   
  
"Huh?"   
  
"Gibbs and I need to have a little talk. Run along and, I don't know, jerk yourself off in the bathroom or something."   
  
Will seems to catch onto some nonexistent hint in Jack's words and winks unknowingly. "Ah, okay. You have your 'little talk'. I'll go…over here."   
  
As soon as Will has left, Jack tells Gibbs his plan. "I getting the Pearl back."   
  
"Pearl back ribs? They have those here?" Gibbs looks around for the waiter before realizing there isn't one.   
  
"Pearl back ribs? What the savvy are you talking about? No, the Black Pearl."   
  
Gibbs spits out his drink, spraying Jack in the process. Jack manages to catch it all in his mouth and scorch the author at the same time.   
  
"Are you mad?"   
  
"Yes. But we've been over that before. The point is, I have a plan."   
  
"What makes you think Barbossa will listen to anything you say?"   
  
"Let's just say it's a matter of leverage."   
  
"When did you get breast implants?"   
  
"Not *cleavage*. *LEVERAGE*."   
  
"How so."   
  
"You know Silver-Tongue Willy? That annoying kid's his son. His only child."   
  
"And?"   
  
"And the pirates are cursed."   
  
"And?"   
  
"And they need his blood to break the curse! What are you, some kind of idiot!…Oh, I forgot. Sorry."   
  
"T's'okay. Happens all the time."   
  
"So what do you say, eh?"   
  
"I say, let's just hope there's a few on this rock crazy as you."   
  
"Yes, let's."   
  
Meanwhile, Will has found a bathroom and is doing all he can to make the visit to Tortuga enjoyable. "If only Elizabeth were here…Right here…right there…yeah, that's the spot…oh, yeah…" (A/N: to go into any more detail would be kind of sickening)  
  
And then they spent the rest of the night drinking, and while Will wondered what they had talked about, the two of them certainly never cared what Will had occupied himself with during that time.   
  
End Chapter 6  
  
You'll just have to wait till the next chapter for Barbossa, sorry. I know, it took me a long time, I'm sorry! This is harder to write now that I'm getting farther into the story…most of my best ideas were already used, so I have to think of ways to make the actual plot funnier…It's harder than it seems…doing it and being original at the same time…I mean, try it.   
  
Please REVIEW 


	7. The Dinner

I'm sorry this took so long! I'm sorry! But inspiration is hard to come by when in the middle of a parody. I'm sorry! I'll try not to wait so long to write chapter 8.   
  
Chapter 7- The Dinner  
  
Pintel and Ragetti enter the room where Elizabeth is being kept.   
  
Pintel says. "You'll be dining with the captain tonight, and he wants you to wear this." He holds out a silly-looking dress with frills and lace and pink satin bows.   
  
"I don't want to."   
  
"He said if you don't you'll be dining with the crew," Pintel says.   
  
"So?" Elizabeth demands.   
  
"And you'll be naked." Pintel's grin widened.   
  
"So?"   
  
"And we like to sing 'Showboat' at dinner."   
  
Elizabeth grabs for the dress, thinking, *anything but Showboat!*   
  
At the table piled high with food, Elizabeth looks down at the ridiculous dress. *At least he has better taste than my father.* She sighs. She begins to eat, taking the tiniest nibble of a bite from her fork.   
  
"Oh, come on. I'm a pirate, you think I care about manners?"   
  
Elizabeth glances from him to the food, and then starts to positively inhale the food. Barbossa looks at her very disgustedly.   
  
"On second thought, go back to the way you were doing it before." Elizabeth ignores him at first. "Okay, that's it. Take the food away," he says. Elizabeth slows down, 60-0, and chews like a perfect lady.   
  
"That's…better," says Barbossa. "Now, why do you think I asked you here?"   
  
"So you can stare at my boobs?"   
  
"No."   
  
"So you can stare at my butt?"   
  
"No."   
  
"I don't know."   
  
Barbossa holds up the skeletal pendant she was recently wearing. "You don't know what this is, do you?"  
  
"What a silly question. Of course I don't know what that is."   
  
"Take a guess."   
  
"A skeleton."   
  
"No. Well, yes, but I mean the significance of it."   
  
"No clue."   
  
"I thought as much."   
  
"What are you trying to say?"   
  
"What am I *not* trying to say?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Exactly."   
  
Elizabeth, too confused to speak, sits silently and allows Barbossa to continue. "This is the gold of the ancient chief, Walto Disnia. It was buried at an island that you can't find unless you already know where it is, or someone tells you how to get there, or you're really, really, really lucky. We were lucky, and find it we did. A warning of the curse was written, saying that anyone who removed but a single piece of the treasure would be…well, cursed. We ignored it, took the gold and frittered it away on women and drink. Then we realized, after a while, that our lust, our thirst, our hunger could never be sated. We were cursed. We still are, for that matter. We will remain that way until all the lost gold is retrieved, and the blood repaid. We have found every piece and returned it to the chest, all save…Miss Turner?"   
  
Elizabeth is fast asleep, having fallen so while Barbossa was speaking. "Wake up." She snores as she starts awake.   
  
"Oh, sorry. Did I miss anything? It was odd…I had the most boring dream. You were telling me a story about gold and some chief and fritters…mmm, fritters."   
  
"It was *frittering*, not *fritters* and that really happened."   
  
"Oh. Well, please, continue. Don't let my nap interrupt you."   
  
"This is the last piece of gold. Once we return it, and repay the blood, we will be free of the curse."   
  
"What blood?" Elizabeth asks, a little nervous now.   
  
"Yours, of course."   
  
Elizabeth runs out of the cabin, onto the deck, where she is greeted with a shocking sight. A multitude of floppy, cartoon skeletons plod to and fro on the deck. They all turn to grin at her for a moment, then simultaneously go back to their tasks.   
  
"Miss Turner, I really don't know what you're doing. I'm sure it was quite an accomplishment to run out of my cabin, but from there where were you expecting to go?"   
  
Elizabeth realizes that there isn't anywhere else to go, but tries anyway. "I'm a pretty good swimmer."   
  
"Wasn't it you nearly drowning that started this whole thing?"   
  
"That was different. I was unconscious."   
  
"That's no excuse."   
  
"Oh, and of course *you* can swim while unconscious."   
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I can."   
  
"Prove it."   
  
"I can't."   
  
"Why not?"   
  
"Because you are rather dull. Now, go back inside like a good little girl."   
  
"Fine. But I refuse to wear this dress anymore!"   
  
Inside, Elizabeth takes the dress off, leaving only her shift. "At least this is stylish," she thinks aloud.   
  
"By the way, Miss Turner," Barbossa's voice says. "I can see you at all times."   
  
"What? Where did that voice come from?"   
  
"I am the ghost of Christmas past."   
  
"No you're not. You're Captain Barbossa."   
  
"All right, I confess. But I really *can* see you."   
  
"How?"   
  
"Big Brother is watching."   
  
End Chapter 7   
  
I know this one wasn't as funny. Don't worry, as soon as I get back to Jack and Will, it will be. Able bodied crew, coming up!!  
  
Please review. 


	8. Yeah, Yeah, Very Dangerous

Chapter 8- Yeah, Yeah, Very Dangerous  
  
Jack and Will stand on the dock with their backs turned to the patiently waiting able bodied crew. Jack is saying to Will, "…easier to see how to get it in if you turn it *this* way."   
  
"Cap'n Jack," Gibbs says loudly right behind them. Startled, Jack throws a paperback book into the ocean. "This is your able bodied crew."   
  
"Oh, so *this* is your able bodied crew?" Will says sarcastically.   
  
"Your sarcasm is unappreciated," Jack comments. "Savvy?"   
  
"Only in the mornings, but I'm hoping it will go away soon."   
  
"Riiiight…" Jack begins walking along the line of "able-bodied" crewmembers. He stops in front of one. "You, sir."   
  
"Name's Cotton," Gibbs says. He's always so helpful.   
  
"Mr. Cotton, do you have the courage and fortitude to stay true and follow orders in the face of danger and almost certain def?" Cotton is silent. "Answer. Answer me, damn you. ANSWER, I SAY!!!!!!!!!!"   
  
"Uh, he's mute. His lost his tongue in a nasty huge round thing from chapter 3 accident. So he talks another way."   
  
Cotton holds up his right hand to reveal a hand face. (A/N: You know, when you draw the face on the side of your hand, and the thumb moves as the mouth? You know?…oh, never mind.)   
  
The thumb moves and a voice comes from the hand, which is quite strange since hands do not have vocal chords. "Please tell me the way to the next whiskey bar. Oh don't ask why."   
  
Jack and Will exchange confused glances. Gibbs answers Cotton. "Submarine peach fuzz is better than none." Cotton shrugs, as do Jack and Will, though for completely different reasons.   
  
"Well, now we know they're mad," Will says impatiently.   
  
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Jack pouts (in a very sexy pirate way).   
  
"So what do I get out of this?" An effeminate voice from farther down the line asks.   
  
Jack goes to the source of the effeminate voice and takes off the source's large floppy hat. "Anamaria! No wonder you sounded like a woman."   
  
She slaps him. "You stole my boat!"   
  
"Hey, I told you I was taking it. What's the big deal?"  
  
"All you did was go, 'And by the way, I need your boat, that's alright, right?' and leave! I never said yes! *And* you gave me mussels."   
  
"What is it with you giving girls…shellfish?" Will asks.   
  
"Long story," Jack replies.   
  
"So, like I said, you still owe me a boat."   
  
"Whoa, hold on a minute! I never heard you say that before. Liar."   
  
"What about that one?" Will says, pointing to the Interceptor. "We stole it from the Royal Navy, it's not a great loss to us."   
  
"Sweet." Anamaria grabs her hat from Jack, slaps him again and heads off toward the ship.   
  
"Bad luck to have a woman on board," Gibbs says.   
  
"Oh, shut up, you superstitious idiot! Besides, pirate women are an exception." Jack turns to Will. "Now, Mr. Turner, first I would like to point out to you that we *commandeered* the Interceptor. How many times do I have to tell you? Now, what was that thing I told you to do before?"   
  
"Um…go jerk myself off in the bathroom?"   
  
"Close, but no. I said not to say anything *stupid*. Now the boat belongs to Anamaria."   
  
"You'll still be captain, if that's what you're worried about."   
  
Jack stares at Will for a moment, his lips twitching, before stalking drunkenly toward the ship.   
  
************************************************************************  
  
"Maybe Gibbs was right about that bad luck thing," Jack mutters as a humongous storm thrashes everyone around the deck, while he stands firm next to the wheel. He, being savvy, has had boot-sticker-to-the-ships attached to his boots, and therefore is having no trouble. "Hey, Anamaria! Come over here!"   
  
It takes her the next twenty minutes to reach him. "What, Jack!"   
  
"*Captain* Jack! Anyway, is there any possibility of you turning into a man for a while, so we can get out of this storm?"   
  
She slaps him and walks- or more is blown- to the other side of the ship to continue working.   
  
Meanwhile…  
  
"How are we supposed to get to an island that can't be found with a compass that doesn't work?"   
  
"We'll find it. Anyway, the compass *works*, it just doesn't point *north*. We're not trying to find *north*."   
  
"So, we're trying to find 'yo mama'?"   
  
Gibbs rolls his eyes. "No. That's code for…something else."   
  
"Okay then. You just keep telling yourself that."   
  
Suddenly, they hear Cotton saying, "My platypus only eats aesthetically pleasing Eskimos!"   
  
  
  
Even more suddenly, the storm has abated and the entire crew of the Interceptor is leaning over the starboard railing. "Careful, you'll tip the boat!" one random sailor says.   
  
"Can it, you!" say the rest of them.   
  
"Treacherous passage," Gibbs says.   
  
"Orange chocolate chips get better mileage," Cotton states.   
  
"That's what I just said," Gibbs mutters, rolling his eyes.   
  
"Yeah, yeah, very dangerous," Jack says mockingly. "Let's get going."   
  
That is how, about an hour later, Will finds himself listening to Jack's entire life story.   
  
"So when he was captain of the Black Pearl-"   
  
"Wheh?"   
  
"Oh, didn't Jack tell you?"   
  
"Um, no."   
  
"Oh. Hmm. Nevermind then."   
  
"Oh, come on. You've already started, just tell me the rest of it."   
  
"Well…okay. Well he was going after that treasure, you know, at Isla de Muerta, and then his first mate comes to him and goes 'tell us where the treasure is', and Jack goes 'you're not going to mutiny if I tell you that, are you?' and Barbossa goes, 'Where would you get an idea like that?' and Jack goes, 'I saw it eight years ago on the passage from England' and then one of the sound guys goes, 'We're not doing the life confusion thing again are we?' and the writer goes 'Apparently'."   
  
"Okay, so what happened with the treasure?"   
  
"Oh, right. Well, Barbossa pointed out later, he never technically said he *wouldn't* mutiny so he did, and took the ship, and marooned Jack on an island to die. He'd probably starve to death, but not before he'd gone mad with the heat."   
  
"So that's the reason for all the wild hand gestures and drunken walk?"   
  
"No. He's always been that way."   
  
"Oh, okay. Well, how did he get off the island?"   
  
"Well, when a man's marooned he's given a pistol with one shot. No one's ever figured out why, something about rules and the code and some bollock like that. So Jack was waiting, and he never used the pistol because he wanted to kill Barbossa with it, and then a giant whale came by. Jack hitched a ride inside his stomach."   
  
"You have a very fragmented and confusing way of telling stories," Will comments. He gets up to find Jack. "Hey, how come you never told me you were captain of the Black Pearl?"  
  
"The wind from behind you better not be yours."   
  
"Nice Cotton impression, Jack."   
  
"Come on, time to go save your dear Elizabeth. Hey Gibbs, if I happen to betray Will to get my old ship back, leave him behind, will ya?"   
  
"Will do, Captain."   
  
"I get the feeling someone's been plotting against me," Will says as they descend into the rowboat.   
  
As they enter the cave, Jack is spouting a random Will-is-a-pirate quote. "You're much like a pirate yourself, you know. You've been sailing with pirates, you stole stuff, and you're completely obsessed with treasure."   
  
"No, I'm not a pirate. My teeth are much too clean, and my shoes are much too silly."   
  
"Well, both of those things can be fixed."   
  
"And I am *not* obsessed with treasure. At least, not in the conventional sense." Will throws the oar back into the boat, and they climb to a hidden nook type thing to spy on all the pirates.   
  
Barbossa is saying, "We're all great pirates, sucks that we're cursed. But now we've got Miss Turner here to help us with that. Ready?"   
  
"Screw you!" Elizabeth says from behind a chest of golden skeleton pendants.   
  
"No thanks, I'll just stick with my apples."   
  
"You and yer apples," Jack mutters, then starts to go down to the other pirates.   
  
"Hey, Jack! Where are you going? You're not off to betray me to forward yourself, are you?"   
  
"Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"So why don't you trust me, then?"   
  
"I said you *have* given me reason."   
  
"Exactly."   
  
"What?"   
  
"Try to remember what I said before, all right? Stay here while you do that."   
  
"What?"   
  
"Don't do anything stupid, you moron!"   
  
Barbossa has just given Elizabeth a nice slash on the hand. She is too preoccupied with her new split ends to notice.   
  
"How do we know we're not cursed anymore?"   
  
"Well, we could wait and see."   
  
"Or I could just shoot one of you," Barbossa says. He does.   
  
"Hey, he shot me!"   
  
"Yeah, well you turned me into a newt!"   
  
"No I didn't!"   
  
"Oh."   
  
"And you're not dead, so I guess it didn't work. You are Elizabeth *Turner*, aren't you, the daughter of William Turner?"   
  
"Huh? Will has a daughter?"   
  
"WHAT!!"   
  
Barbossa backhands Elizabeth, for some reason throwing the skeleton pendant down with her, and she falls down the back of the pile of treasure.   
  
Will, about to knock Jack out with an oar, gives in to the pleas of the audience and hits him in the back of the head. Jack falls to the ground.   
  
"Sorry Jack, but I'm not going to be your breast implant. Er, leverage."   
  
He walks around aimlessly for a while before remembering that he came for a reason, then goes to rescue Elizabeth. They run out of the caves together, steal all the oars AND Ragetti's spare eyeball, and return to the Interceptor.   
  
"I know! Let's exsanguinate her completely and see if *that* breaks the curse!" Some random pirate suggests.   
  
"Well…okay," Barbossa nods. He turns to see that she's gone.   
  
"Hey! She's gone! Go find her, you!"   
  
The pirates go to find them, but realize that the oars are gone. About to go find them, they bump into Captain Jack Sparrow, holding nothing other than an oar.   
  
"Hey, what did you go with our oars?"   
  
"Um, nothing?"   
  
"Hey, you're supposed to be dead?"   
  
"Am I not?" Jack looks down at himself. "Ungh." He turns to walk away but there are some more accursed pirates in the way.   
  
"Aw, fuck," Jack says, scratching his head. "I know there was some word I was supposed to not remember at this point, but I forgot what it is."   
  
"Um…isn't that the point?"   
  
"No. How am I supposed to continuously mispronounce a word if I don't know what it is?"   
  
"Good question…is it bullion?"  
  
"Um…no."   
  
"Is it monolithic?"   
  
"You mean is the word itself monolithic, or is the word monolithic?"   
  
"Um, either?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Is it…"   
  
Eventually they've gone through most of the words in English that they know.   
  
"Parlez?"   
  
"That's it! Parlez!"   
  
"Damn to the depths whatever madmen thought of Parlez," Pintel curses.   
  
"That would be the French," Jack says. "Or was it the Peruvians…"  
  
Meanwhile, Will and Elizabeth board the Interceptor.   
  
"My goodness, this ship is just full of seamen!" Elizabeth exclaims. (A/N: *Someone* better get that joke.)   
  
"Where's Jack?" Gibbs asks.   
  
"Jack? Jack Sparrow?" Elizabeth says excitedly.   
  
"*Captain* Jack Sparrow," a voice drifts up to them.   
  
"He fell behind," Will says, shaking his head. "Sad, really. But, gotta keep to the code, right?"   
  
"Can we go back and get him? Please?" Elizabeth asks loudly.   
  
End Chapter 8  
  
I'm sorry it's been taking me so long to update. I'm quickly losing inspiration. *Inspiration leaks from inspiration-shaped hole in head.* If you want me to update faster…some helpful ideas would be wonderful. If not, you'll just have to wait until I come up with something funny. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, please review. 


	9. Loud Dramatic Music

Chapter 9- Loud Dramatic Music  
  
"I miss Jack Sparrow…I mean, oh, Will, you rescued me! Put your hand on my bosom now!" Elizabeth places his hand in aforementioned area.   
  
"Hey, what's this?"   
  
"Oh, that. It's your medallion, the one I took from you eight years ago on the passage from England…you know, when you were like half-dead, and I was a complete klepto."   
  
"Ah, I remember those years. How long ago…oh, sorry. So basically, you stole my necklace, that my father gave me, and you've just been wearing it around? Why did you take it?"   
  
"Because it's shiny," she says simply. "Oh, and I thought you were a pirate, and I already knew you would become really hot when you were older, so I didn't want them to hang you."   
  
"Well, thank you for the thought. But I just had a very obvious revelation. Your blood was not what they needed to break the curse." Dramatic music starts to play in the background, getting progressively louder. "It was my blood…the blood of a pirate."   
  
"What was that last part?!" Elizabeth shouts.   
  
"The blood of a pirate!!!" Will answers.   
  
"What?!!" The dramatic music has now reached deafening proportions.   
  
"THE BLOOD OF A PIRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He slams the skeleton necklace down on the table, and the music stops abruptly. Startled, Elizabeth leaves wordlessly, looking like she's about to cry. Will lifts his hand again and shakes it in pain. "Owwww…"   
  
************************************************************************  
  
"Jack Sparrow. You're supposed to be dead," Barbossa says.   
  
"Yeah, well, you're probably forgetting who you're talking to here," Jack says, bored. "Anyway, you can't kill me, cause you're still cursed, na-na-na-na-na-na."   
  
"So why shouldn't I kill you, then? It could only cheer me up."   
  
"Because *I* know how you can lift the curse," Jack tells him smugly.   
  
*scene shift*   
  
"So you expect to leave me on some island, watching you sail away in my ship, with my apples, and leaving me with nothing at all but the name of someone who can tell me the name of someone who can tell me the name of the person whose blood is needed to break the curse?"   
  
"Of course not. I'll give you the name, and some clothes, no one wants to see what's under there, leave you on some island watching me sail away in *my* ship, and then I'll tell you whether or not I lied once we're well on our way."   
  
"What about the apples?"   
  
"Depends on my mood. They might be eaten, they might be thrown overboard, whatever I feel like doing to them. When it comes to apples, I'm open-minded…up to a certain point."  
  
"So that still leaves me with no apples on some island without a ship and only your word that you might tell me a name?"   
  
"Of the two of us," Jack says, going through the basket of apples on the table- and Barbossa, overcome with a fit of stop-touching-my-apples, glares at him- and choosing the best one, "I am the only one who has not committed mutiny. So it's my word we'll be trusting. Though if you hadn't marooned me, I'd be cursed to. Oh, the irony of it all."   
  
The last sentence is said with his mouth full, having taken a large bite of the apple. Barbossa, now overcome with a fit of stop-*eating*-my-apples, merely glares at him.   
  
"Wow, this is a good apple," Jack says. Barbossa glares some more. "So juicy. So ripe. So crisp. So very very much like an apple. I've never had a better apple in my life. I think I love this apple. If I were going to be an apple, I'd want to be this apple. It is the pinnacle, the paragon of apples. Look at it, in its apple-istic perfection. Why it's almost-"   
  
"Captain, we're coming up on the Interceptor."   
  
Barbossa glares. "Fine! I'm coming up to see!"   
  
Dramatic music starts to play in the background. Jack follows, peering out at the Interceptor. "Hey, I'm having a savvy," he says. "How about I go over to the Interceptor, I get you your medallion back, and we call it even, eh?"   
  
"Um, no. I'd rather kill them! Lock him in the brig!" He is no longer yelling out of annoyance/anger, but merely trying to be heard over the increasing volume of the dramatic music.   
  
Jack clings to the remainder of the apple as one pirate grabs him. "Oh no, Barbossa, you're not getting *this* apple!" When they throw him in the brig, he notices the water on the floor. "You might want to try draining it…or…hey, you're not listening!"   
  
Battle scene ensues. Some explosions happen. Unfortunately, for a while, the dramatic music is so loud that the author cannot hear what the characters are saying. She waits until it dwindles off before any more quotes appear in the story.   
  
Cannonfire blows a hole in the side of the ship. "CUT IT OUT!" Jack yells. "YOU'RE GETTING ME WET!"   
  
However, within the next three point twenty one seconds, he realizes that the door of the brig has been blasted off, and he climbs back up to the main deck. He swings across to the Interceptor, landing just next to Elizabeth.   
  
"Me or Will, love."   
  
"Um…wait… you're all sexy and everything, but Will is just so, so bish. Gosh I don't know. Wait…what's that calling my name?"   
  
It's Will, trapped below deck. "Will, I'm weak and incompetent! How do you expect me to get you out? Just use your sword."   
  
"It's not long enough anymore, it's been submerged in cold water for too long! I swear, it's usually much longer, but now I can't do anything with it!"   
  
"Metal shrinks in water?"   
  
There is a pause. "Oh. *That* sword." He tries, but that doesn't work either. "Nope, I guess I'm going to drown. This is just like 'Titanic'."   
  
"That hasn't happened yet, Will…hey! Get these pirates off of me! Wow, never thought I'd hear myself say that."   
  
Meanwhile, Jack is chasing the monkey around. They pass from the Interceptor to the Pearl, where Jack runs into Barbossa and falls backward. Barbossa now has the skeleton medallion in his hand. "Thank you, Jack."   
  
"You're welcome," Jack says.   
  
"Oh, not you. We named the monkey Jack."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"I don't know. Maybe because you ate one of my apples."   
  
End Chapter 9  
  
I know it's short, but I'm trying to get this posted. Next chapter will be the walking the plank and Jack and Elizabeth on the island, and all that.   
  
At this point, my lovely muse, Avera, is forcing me to stop and acknowledge my wonderful reviewer, Lyra Silvertongue, who gave me helpful suggestions that I actually used. Thanks Sarah! Love, hugs, red confetti.   
  
Please Review. I'm still taking suggestions for the rest of the story, because I still have that inspiration leak. I'm especially looking for good ideas for the Jack/Elizabeth scene with all the rum and et cetera. 


	10. Welcome to the Caribbean, Love

Chapter 10- Welcome to the Caribbean, Love  
  
The Interceptor crew is all tied up in a loose kind of way so they can easily escape but they can't take over the Pearl because *its* crew can't die and they're out in the middle of the ocean so abandoning ship isn't a good idea so they don't, escape that is. (A/N: Like my run-on?)   
  
Jack is standing in the middle of the Black Pearl crew warily, but still looking very sexy.   
  
"Blow it up," Barbossa orders.   
  
As Elizabeth "frees" herself, the Interceptor suddenly explodes, and she goes, "Oh, no, Will! He's too hot to die." She swipes at Barbossa in retaliation.   
  
"Catfight!" Pintel yells.   
  
Elizabeth and Barbossa have a catfight, and Barbossa wins. "Come here, Elizabeth!" he calls.   
  
"I'm right here," Elizabeth replies, confused.   
  
"No, not you, we named the monkey Elizabeth." To prove his point, the monkey jumps up onto his shoulder.   
  
"I thought you had named the monkey Jack," Jack (Sparrow) protests.   
  
"Well, the monkey has a lot of names," Barbossa replies, shrugging. He turns back to Elizabeth (Swann/Turner) "Well, while you're here, we might as well molest you." He pushes her into a pile of pirates, who start to do just that.   
  
Will somehow coincidentally jumps up on the rail at that moment, picks up Jack's gun, and points it at Barbossa. "Hey! Only *I* get to do that to Elizabeth."  
  
"What the hell are you doing? We can't die, so there's really no point to shooting us."   
  
"Don't do anything stupid," Jack says quietly.   
  
"You can't die," Will says suddenly. "But I can. If you don't let her go I'll pull the trigger. I will! What, you don't believe me?"   
  
"Like that," Jack says, using Will's most recent outburst as an example.   
  
"Will, don't!" Elizabeth shouts.  
  
"Shut up," Barbossa says. "As for you, unless you can give me a good reason why I don't want you to die, I could really care less about what you do. So please, continue with the failing heroic suicide."   
  
"My name is Will Turner. My father was Willy Turner, also known as…" Will lists all the names. "And either you set Elizabeth free, or I'll shoot myself and then you'll *never* be able to break the curse."   
  
"Okay then, name your terms, and we'll give them to you as long as you hand yourself over quietly. Besides the part about Elizabeth, we know that one already."   
  
Will taps his chin. "Well, I suppose I should help someone out. There's probably something useful I could do. Um, the crew is safe, and you name the monkey after me."   
  
"But the monkey's already named Jack!"   
  
"And Elizabeth."   
  
"Well, one more name can't hurt," Barbossa says. "Agreed."   
  
Cut to scene where Elizabeth is walking the plank. "Damn pirates," Will mutters. "I knew I should have thought the negotiation thing through."   
  
Will and Elizabeth exchange meaningful looks for what seems like an hour. Finally, when the pirates are just too bored, they activate the plank-tripwire, and Elizabeth falls into the water, screaming. "Eek!"   
  
"Damn. And she was just starting to let me touch her womanly parts." Will decides to sulk for the rest of the movie until the end with the giant hat.   
  
"Okay, your turn now, Jack."   
  
"I should get my gun at least."   
  
"Yes, I suppose. Where be Jack's pistol?"   
  
"How about two?"   
  
"Um, no." Barbossa throws Jack's pistol overboard, and Jack dives after it.   
  
A few minutes later, Elizabeth and Jack have both washed up on the shore of a deserted island. Except that there was never anyone there, so really "deserted" isn't the right word. Perhaps "empty", or-   
  
Pirates: "Oh, get on with it!"   
  
Ahem yes. Well, Elizabeth is quite happy to see Jack, of course. (Because he's hot.)   
  
While Jack looks for the rumrunners' stash, Elizabeth follows him around, asking him how to get off the island. What she means, however, is just how he gets off. She just does not want to be too obvious.   
  
"How did you get off last time?" she asks, winking.   
  
"Last time…last time I was here for three days, and when the rumrunners came by I hitched a ride," he confessed. "Wouldn't count on that happening again, though. Looks like this stuff has been here for years."   
  
"So," Elizabeth repeats slowly. "You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum? That's the secret adventure of Captain Jack Sparrow?"   
  
"Welcome to the Caribbean, love," Jack says, handing her a bottle.   
  
"Sweet," Elizabeth says, and goes after Jack.   
  
By much later that night, a lot of the rum has disappeared into their mouths. They have a bonfire going, and they're singing a song with really, really bad lyrics. For the rest of this particular scene, the authoress has decided to give some of the readers a treat, and instead of Elizabeth, there is reader-in-love-with-Jack-as-Elizabeth.   
  
"Devils and black sheep and really bad eggs, drink up me hearties yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me!" They fall over, laughing.   
  
"That's a great song! Really bad eggs! And when I'm captain of the Pearl again, I'll teach it to the crew, and we'll sing it all the time." Apparently, he wanted this crew to hate him.   
  
"And you will be positively the sexiest man in the Spanish Main."   
  
"Not just the Spanish Main, love. The entire ocean. The entire world."   
  
"It must be terrible for you, Jack. Being stuck here again, I mean." She leans a little closer.   
  
"Well, it's improved a little. The scenery is better, and the company is obviously much, much better, this time, I actually have-"   
  
"Mister Sparrow!" Reader-in-love-with-Jack-as-Elizabeth exclaims, having a naughty idea. "I'm not sure you're quite nude enough for me to allow that kind of talk."   
  
"Ah. I see your point." He strips down to nothing. "Savvy?"   
  
"Much. Okay, continue."   
  
"You see, what a ship is, what the Black Pearl, really is…"   
  
"Wanna fuck?" Reader-in-love-with-Jack-as-Elizabeth asks.   
  
"Do you even have to ask?"   
  
The next morning, Elizabeth and Jack are smoking their cigars or cigarettes or tree branches or whatever they're smoking. All of a sudden they see a ship approaching the island.   
  
"It's the Dauntless! Wow, I can't believe that idiot actually managed to find me," Elizabeth says. "We should get dressed before they arrive. Otherwise my father might offer me his jacket." She shudders at the thought of wearing a blue and green plaid jacket with large white polka dots on the lapels.   
  
Everyone sighs as Jack pulls up his pants. (A/N: Darn.)   
  
So when they finally get on board the Dauntless, and Elizabeth has been given a soldier's uniform to wear, though they probably didn't even have them in her size, she pitches her rescue mission to Norrington.   
  
"Nope. Sorry, we're taking you right home."   
  
"But we have to save Will!"   
  
"Nope. We don't. Anyway, he decided to become a pirate when he stole a ship and all that stuff."   
  
"Commandeered," Jack corrects.   
  
"Please."   
  
"Only if you marry me."   
  
"Yuck! *Sigh* Well, if it's the only way, then okay, I will marry you."   
  
"Yes, I love weddings! Drinks all around!"   
  
"Mister Sparrow-"   
  
"Captain Sparrow, if you don't mind, Commodore."   
  
"Uh, sure. Go steer the ship. We're going to that huge frat party on Isla de Muerta."   
  
"Oh, whatever will I wear?" Elizabeth wonders.   
  
"You can borrow my-" her father starts to offer. She runs away screaming before he can finish. "Well, maybe I can wear it myself now. Those college boys, they're just so much fun."   
  
"Ewwww!" Jack says, making a disgusted face.   
  
The entire rest of the crew looks confused.   
  
  
  
End Chapter 10  
  
Yes, I know. It's a terrible ending to a chapter. But that's where it ends. Only like three more chapters at the most, so I'm getting close to done! Yaeee!  
  
Thanks, reviewers! I loves you!!! Muchly. Review again, I'll love you even more! 


	11. Scene Cuts

Chapter 11- Scene Cuts  
  
The Black Pearl approaches Isla de Muerta, this time with the right blood on board, and the monkey named after now all three major characters of the movie. Barbossa is on deck, brooding about his apples.   
  
Pintel and Ragetti are pretending to clean the floor of the brig, but they're really just imagining themselves as lounge singers. Will suddenly says to them, "You knew my father?"   
  
"I *AM* your father," Pintel says.  
  
"Who?" Ragetti asks, confused.   
  
"Nevermind," Will dismisses it.   
  
"If I only had a brain, I could compound in a plane," Cotton says from across the cells, where the entire crew is crammed into one cell. Will, in his own cell, has enough room but is very lonely.   
  
Barbossa appears, looking very sour apples. (A/N: haha, get it?) He throws a rope, which hits Ragetti in the false eye. "Bring the bitch," he says.   
  
Scene cuts to Norrington, Jack, and all those random Navy guys. Jack keeps making suggestions that are blatantly acknowledged and discarded by the asshole- ahem, the guy in charge.   
  
Elizabeth is shut up in a room, pouting and braiding sheets out of boredom. She is vaguely aware of her father trying to talk to her from outside the room, but assumes that it has something to do with clothes, and so tries very hard not to hear him. Eventually, she decides that her braided sheets will make a passable rope, and shimmies on down to a rowboat that appears out of nowhere.   
  
(A/N: Seriously. You know how she suddenly has a boat? How the hell would she get it? That part never made sense to me.)   
  
Scene cuts to Jack rowing, looking all sexy and fine. (A/N: Redundant, I know. Prize to anyone who can tell me how many author's notes I have in this story. Because I don't know.)   
  
Scene cuts to random Navy soldiers in the boats, and the one guy asks why they aren't taking Jack's suggestion. Another answers. "Because we never actually do anything. We pretend to help while we're really being completely ineffectual."   
  
"Oh. But why-"   
  
"Shut up!"   
  
Scene cuts back to Will, being dragged all over the place by some random cursed pirate. He ends up in front of the chest of skeleton medallion/pendant/necklace thingies. He struggles feebly every once in a while.   
  
"I won't die. This is a Disney movie."   
  
"Hahaha, that's what you think. Finally, we're going to be uncursed-"   
  
"That's not a word!!" Jack yells from the middle of the crowd of pirates.   
  
"It is now- what the fuck? Jack Sparrow! It's not possible."   
  
"Sure it is. Otherwise I doubt I would be standing here. Anyway, I just thought you might want to know, the British Royal Navy is waiting outside for you."  
  
"Is Elizabeth with you?"   
  
"Yes, Turner, blah blah blah and we're all men of our word. Except for Elizabeth, who is in fact a woman."  
  
"What the hell did you just say?"   
  
"You know what, I'm going to kill him anyway."   
  
"Hello, you idiot. You want them to kill you, don't you?"   
  
"Okay, so what do you propose we do, Mister-I'm-Jack-Sparrow-and-I-know-everything?"   
  
"Captain, dude. Captain. Anyway, I say, go out, take the dauntless, and then," he scoops a handful of the coins out of the chest, dropping them back in haphazardly. "Then, lift the curse. Just wait for the opportune moment."   
  
Will looks clueless for about five minutes before a very obvious expression of understanding which all of the pirates miss crosses his face.   
  
"And then, you'll have two ships, name me captain of the Pearl, and you can be, like, Master, or Commodore, or Whore of the Two Ships, or whatever you want to call yourself."   
  
"I want fifty percent of your plunder."   
  
"Ten percent."   
  
"Forty."   
  
"Fifteen."   
  
"Thirty-five."   
  
"Sixteen."   
  
"Thirty-four."   
  
"Seventeen."   
  
"Thirty-three."   
  
"Eighteen."   
  
This continues until they've reached twenty four point two percent. "And I'll buy you a hat. The one Will wears at the end of the movie."   
  
"We have an accord," Barbossa says. "Boys, go kick some Navy ass."   
  
Scene cuts- "Ow!"- to Elizabeth, who is on the Black Pearl suddenly. In a surprising move, she decides not to be afraid of the monkey anymore, and offers to dress it up in her father's clothes. The monkey runs away screaming. Or shrieking. Or both.   
  
She frees the crew, then goes all, "Let's save Will and Jack! They're too hot to die!"   
  
"Fuck those fuckers we're getting the fuck out of here!" Anamaria says. Elizabeth is just thinking of how much the idea of fucking them appeals to her. Both of them. At once. Oooo.   
  
"Bloody pirates," Elizabeth mutters. She is rowing all alone and no one is quite sure how she got there all the way from the Black Pearl so quickly.   
  
"This is just like what the Greeks did at Troy," Ragetti says. None of the other pirates have any idea what he's talking about.   
  
"Right. Because we have to wait inside a horse for a week while they debate whether to bring us into the city," Pintel says, rolling his eyes.   
  
They climb onto the ship. They notice the Black Pearl sailing away. "Hey, they're stealing our ship! Bloody Pirates!"   
  
This gets the attention of all the Navy soldiers present, and they start to fight back.   
  
"Oh, what the hell. Now we have to put effort into it."   
  
Scene cuts- "OW! What the hell, that hurts! Stop cutting me!"- to Jack Sparrow and all that beautiful stuff.   
  
"Jack, you're just so unpredictable."   
  
"Well, no, for I am dishonest, and a dishonest person you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for, because you can never tell when they-"   
  
He cuts himself off, throwing Will a sword. Will notices at the last possible second, bringing his (bound) hands to one side to catch the blade. "Haha! *Now* I don't feel stupid!"   
  
Fighting continues in all areas. Jack is suddenly stabbed through the stomach. He makes deathlike sounds, then breaks into a fit of laughter, pointing at Barbossa. "You thought you killed me! Hahaha, I had you, didn't I? Priceless!" He flips one of the skeleton pendants into the air. "You're so gullible, Barbossa."   
  
And the fighting is still going on. And on. And on…and on and on and on…  
  
Elizabeth shows up, smacks one of the pirates in the ass, and goes, "Oh, Will! I saved you!"   
  
Too distracted with her body in that soldier's uniform, Will lets her think this. They all fight together, eventually exploding the three pirates they battle against. Will runs up to the chest. He catches the skeleton Jack throws, and he cuts his own hand with a scene cut.   
  
Barbossa realizes that Jack just shot him. "What an idiot. You carry that pistol around for ten years, and then waste the one shot we gave you, and you've never reloaded, and you-"   
  
"You and your apples."   
  
"What?"   
  
"Oh, sorry, getting ahead of myself."   
  
"He didn't waste the shot," Will says, dropping the skeletons into the chest.   
  
Barbossa opens his shirt to look at the profusely bleeding wound. "Fuck." He falls over, dead. An apple, which he was *not* holding while fighting or looking at his brand new bullet-wound, falls out of his hand.   
  
"What the hell? Were you just carrying around an apple that whole time? Who carries around apples? You and your apples. None of them could ever measure up to that one apple, anyway. That perfect apple. The one I aspire to be."   
  
"Jack, what are you talking about?"   
  
"Um, nothing?"   
  
Within the next five minutes, the Navy retakes the Dauntless, though not by their own doing, Will manages to make Elizabeth cry, and Jack spouts some knowing sentence that changes Will's life. (A/N: no, it is not "If I was any hotter, you could have a barbecue on my ribs".)   
  
End Chapter 11  
  
Ok, I decided to condense that whole thing just because I'm really tired of writing this story. I'll try to make the last chapter really good. I don't know if I can, though. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, please review again. It makes things a lot more fun for me. 


	12. Authoress As Elizabeth

Chapter 12- Authoress as Elizabeth  
  
It is approximately the day after the day before. Jack is being hung. Everyone is crying: the fan girls, Sarah, Elizabeth…Will…  
  
Inspired by her lovely Muse Avera Jade, the authoress substitutes herself in Elizabeth's place. "This is wrong," authoress-as-Elizabeth says. "I haven't even fucked him yet…oh wait, yes I have."   
  
"What was that?" Governor Swann asks.   
  
"Nevermind."   
  
"For the following crimes, Jack Sparrow will be hung," says some guy with really pompous hair.   
  
"*Captain* Jack Sparrow." (A/N: That's like, the best part in the movie, right? He's about to be executed and he's still correcting people.)  
  
"Theft, larceny, petty and grand, stealing, pilfering, pillaging, looting, taking things that were not his, drunkenness and disorderliness, piracy, impersonating a Naval officer, impersonating a member of the Church of England, impersonating the Pope, impersonating a rajah, impersonating a pirate, impersonating a military king, impersonating the dictator of Canada, not recycling, not separating his trash, illegal distribution of shellfish, impersonating my mother, causing confusion within the ranks of the Navy-"   
  
"Like *that* takes any skill," Jack mutters.   
  
"…sniffing glue, sniffing markers, sniffing baking powder, sniffing his food before he ate it when he came over that time for dinner, calling my wife fat…"   
  
As this long list of accusations (most of them true) is being uttered, Will makes his way up to where Norrington, Governor Swann, and me-as-Elizabeth (A/N: typing out authoress every time will get annoying.) where they are standing watching Jack about to be hung.   
  
"Uh, Governor Swann, you're a moron, Norrington, you're a jackass, and Elizabeth, you're really hot. I'm in love with you. *Obviously.*"   
  
Authoress-as-Elizabeth, who knew this was coming, sighs and watches dreamily as he makes a different way over to the gallows. She starts suddenly. "Hmm? Oh, right, my cue. I can't breathe!" She falls over, "unconscious".   
  
A scene ensues in which there is fighting, Jack and Will looking really hot, Will being made fun of because of his hat, and me-as-Elizabeth daydreaming. At the end of it, Will and Jack are surrounded by soldiers with weapons. *Sigh.*   
  
Jack blows the feather from Will's hat out of his face. "Watch where you're sticking that, Will."   
  
"Mister Turner, I think you're being quite unreasonable. All you had to do was let us hang the guy."   
  
"Yeah, well, why should you get what you want? Jack shouldn't be hung anyway."   
  
"Yeah," me-as-Elizabeth says, stepping up next to him. "He's *way* too hot."   
  
"Elizabeth. Oh no, I must become the helpless father and beg the soldiers to put their weapons down," Governor Swann says, at which time the soldiers all lower their weapons, conveniently.   
  
Jack sees a random pirate symbol and decides that it's time to leave. "Well, I'm feeling rather good about all this. I think we've all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually…gingivitically…grammatically…savvy."   
  
He steps up to Norrington. "I want you to know I was not rooting for you through any of this time. Know that."   
  
"Elizabeth…It would never have worked between us, love."   
  
"Too bad," me-as-Elizabeth sighs.  
  
"Will…nice hat."   
  
Will glances up at his hat and shrugs in embarrassment. "Governor Swann picked it out," he grumbles.   
  
"You'll always remember this day as the day you almost caught *Captain* Jack Sparro- oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" As he falls over the side of the fort.   
  
"Hehe," random Naval officer with pompous hair laughs stupidly. "He's drowning!"   
  
The Black Pearl appears suddenly. It now has white sails, and the crew are calling it simply "The Pearl".   
  
"Damn, it's that ship again," Norrington swears.   
  
"I think now is the time for a random incoherent line in which I use the word 'piracy' fifteen times, don't you?" Governor Swann remarks. Me-as-Elizabeth and Will, who are holding hands (sigh) exchange annoyed glances.   
  
"Um…yeah," Norrington says, and leaves with all the rest of those random Navy soldiers with pompous hair.   
  
"So this is really what you want, Elizabeth? After all, he's a blacksmith."   
  
"Well, that's true, but he's *my* fucking blacksmith, isn't he? Anyway, I'll just pretend he's a pirate so he can actually…never mind, father."   
  
Governor Swann leaves, and me-as-Elizabeth and Will begin to make out unreservedly. (A/N: Finally! I've been waiting the whole entire fic for this!)   
  
Meanwhile, randomly, Jack has ended up on the deck of the Pearl. "I thought you were supposed to keep to the code."   
  
"Uh…didn't you just say if you randomly betrayed Will then we should leave him behind?" Gibbs scratches the back of his head.   
  
"Oh, right. Well, in that case, give me my hat."   
  
Jack gets his hat and jacket, then goes to caress the rudder for a few minutes. The crew watches him, while he is oblivious. He finally notices them. "I'll jack off my ship if I bloody well want, savvy?"   
  
They all quickly wander off in spontaneous directions. Loud dramatic music plays for the extent of three seconds.   
  
"Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah…and really bad eggs…I forgot the rest of the words…Oh, fuck it all, drink up me hearties! Yo ho!"   
  
End of Story   
  
Whew. What a relief to be done. I know that was short and not as funny. If you want funny, go read chapter 6. That was a good chapter.   
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed, ever, I appreciate it. I love you. I would also appreciate it if you went and read some of my other stuff. (Have you met Pluggy McPlugson? Yes, you have, in the last sentence.)   
  
Big smiles, hugs, Jack-shaped confetti to you all! 


End file.
